The past two weeks have made me realise two things about myself that I never really put together before. And thinking about it now, I realise how true those two things are and how much they have impacted my life in a big way without truly realising it. Today, I am only going to talk about one and I will open up about the other one soon.
When it comes to intelligence, I am not confident. I do not believe in how smart I am. I do not see myself passing. And I finally realised why.
When it comes to the way I look, I do not care what other people think of me. They probably see me as ugly, with a bunch of moles on my face, acne scars which just cannot fade away, crooked and yellow teeth. They see as being fat and overweight, with stretch marks that never end. And I do not care what they think. I do not even take them on.
I like to say what that is on my mind, with no filter what so ever. My teacher always tells me that. That is the way I am as an individual.
However, when it comes to what I can do at school, all I see is myself failing. I do not see myself passing an exam. I do not see myself meeting my passing mark, all because I do not have that confidence in me anymore. It sucks. I hate myself for thinking of this. I can see the optimistic side of a lot of other things, but when it comes to my intelligence, I am the most pessimistic person. I am optimistic for everybody else, but myself. And I have finally realised why it is so.
Growing up, people never believed in me. The people that I needed to have faith in me the most, they did not see me doing as good as others. Some of my teachers did not believe that I would do well, to top the class at times. And even when that happened, I was not congratulated like the other children in the class. Teachers are supposed to see your true potential as students, and I never felt like that happened. Instead, I received hatred and jealousy among my classmates. That’s a really fun way of congratulating yourself isn’t it.
Even today, this still happens. And it breaks my heart, how much I sometimes need that congratulations from people. Instead they pretend they did not know me.
I am lucky that my family believes in me. In everything that I do. I am lucky that they are there to support me both financially and emotionally, because without every one of them, I do not know what I would be without them in my life.
Just this act of not believing in me has affected my confidence to this day. I do not participate in class because of this, unless I am called upon. Often times, I know the answer, but I am scared to answer because I lack that confidence. And most times, I feel like an idiot, because I do not know, and do not want to try. I also think that I fail exams and assignments, because I do not see what confidence I have in myself to answer those questions. I do not like trying new things. There are so many instances where I could have done something and done something so well, but because I do not believe in myself anymore, I do not bother.
And this needs to change. I need to believe in myself. And this is why I am talking about this on the internet. I need to believe in myself. I need to be more confident. I need to believe.
I am applying to universities at the moment and I just need to believe in myself that I will get into at least one, if not all.
< PS. Let me know what you think. >