In the previous post, I mentioned two things.  One, that I do not believe in how smart I am and in accomplishing things that pertain to school and two, was that I am applying to university.  This post is not to show to a university that I do something other than school, but to have as a future reference to myself in the coming months.  And the reason why this is going up today, is because today, Wednesday 3rd February 2016, I am posting my first application to one of the seven schools to which I applied to.

I decided to apply to seven Canadian universities in Ontario.  I spent $2000.00 on applying.  To those reading, if anyone is, it may seem a lot, but this is the amount which I spent in my country, since I do not live in Canada.  It came to approximately Can $1000, if you were wondering.

It did not take me long to figure out which ones I wanted to apply to because I was looking for two things in deciding.  The first was the proximity to my mother and the second was the Accounting/ Business/  Finance program which they had available there.  I might one day need to post about my family life to let you get to know me, so you can understand why the proximity to my mother was a factor in deciding.

I have always dreamt about going to university, in every way there was possible.  And what makes it so special is that I would be the first of the grandchildren to attend.  It was a special moment for me.  I did not know where I was going or how I was going to pay for it, but I was going to get there.

But something came along and ruined it for me.  More specifically  I should say someone did.  My grandmother put it into my head that I was not going to be good enough to enter.  She made me believe that the education that I received in my home country, was not good enough for me to get there, without going to a Canadian college first.

Then again, I should not blame her entirely for it.  She thought and still thinks that I should follow in her friend’s daughter’s path and then I would get there, since we are in the same situation, although we are total strangers to each other.  Her friend’s daughter followed the same education system that I did and got into a university, the only difference is that she went to a Canadian college before applying to university and got in by the way.

Since that day, my confidence has dropped significantly.  I no longer believe that I can get in, especially to my top choices.  I no longer think that my grades are good enough.  I no longer think I am good enough for anyone or anyplace for the matter.

And to make it worse, I do not have anything making me stand out against other applicants.  I do not do sports, in fact I suck at it.  I have not volunteered.  I do not have any extra-curricula’s.  I have never had a job.  I do not come from a smart family or even a high middle class one.  What exactly makes me stand out among the other applicants huh?  What is there to make me believe that I can get into a university.  There is nothing which makes me special.  In fact I am just a loser.  A dumb loser!

People do not understand why I have no confidence in myself, then again, I doubt they would even care.  Even with all that I have and do not have, I am still applying and still holding on that I will get in somewhere, even if it may not be where I want to be.  I just need to never give up, especially in myself.  If I believe that others can do well, I can do well too.  If I can believe in other people, why can’t I believe in myself as well.

< PS. Let me know what you think. >

xoxo 4

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